She Lives.

I havent written in a while. So I guess I'll give you a looong one. =]
Ooooh and this is dedicated to one on Gurl. Enjoy.
10 Ways To Know You Have No Life
1. You're bored practically all the time
check.
2.You spend time writing "rawr" and drawing the "=]" face at any chance you get
cheeeck
3. You've spent so much time online, you basically have an internet boyfriend
checkamundo
4. You worry that you're internet boyfriend is mad at you and may want to "break up with you"
Oh, do I have to admit this one?
5. You barely remember your last real boyfriend
Is he really worth remembering?
6. You worry about little incidents for a whole day, weeping endlessly over them
Check: Like a baby
7. Your idea of entertainment is burning a funnel cake
I can barely believe this one.
8. You've spent more than an 3 hours daydreaming about fictional characters
Desperate much? Check.
9. You tried to get a head start on school by reviewing your old notes
yes, I've gone this far
10. You cry, just for something to do
yyyyuuup.
Gawd, how did this happen to me?
Whatever happened to the euphoric bliss that used to surround me, radiating off me like
the rays of the sun against the glass of my bedroom window?
I'm just kidding, I was never so lucky.
Not to say that I'm lucky now. Now, I just feel miserable. I once thought my sky was grim but
now as the bigger, darker clouds have eclipse it entirely and begin to rain heavily, I realize that I
was living the life.
And I can't exactly pin point its source.
On sunday, I went to wonderland again, but this time with my church.
We divided into groups and I went with my friends. We were supposed to meet back at the car at a
certain time but we werent sure what time it was supposed to be. We do, eventually, show up.
Everyone was mad at us for being late. I, speaking for myself, do not like to be upset with,
especially with people I don't consider full adults, worthy of submission.
Anyways, I felt the uncontrollable urge to defend myself so I yelled back.
Everyone was shocked, angered.
Why?
I am seen as an angel. No I wouldn't go that far. A very good, quiet girl. To have me shout back
like that was apalling to them.
How could I have let myself slip like that.
And, being me that no one really knows, I was overuled by such immense guilt, shame, that I wonder
if I'll ever be able to bring myself back to them. One line that stood out during their yell at me individually,
that someone said very quietly but for some reason seemed loudest to me, was "I never knew she was like that."
I am not like that, nor do I want to be known as such.
But when somethings are done, they're done. No turning back.
Another thing is that I expected at least one of my friends to back me up, for they all
felt the same way I did. They just chose to let me take the fall.
I wish it were possible to just eliminate all of them from my life, so I wouldn't have to think
about it anymore. Unfortunately, my mother would ask questions and... And I rather she didnt, 1, because I didn't
have an answer she'd want to hear and 2, becuase I don't want her to hear an answer from them.
"What did you guys do to my daughter that she never wants to come back to church?"
"What did we do? You should ask her what she did. Teach that little devil some manners."
I was hoping writing this out would allow me some relief. But alas, it has only made things worse.
It was almost shut up in the back of my mind, although constantly leaking acid into my thoughts, although it would
surely re-open this comming weekend, it was sealed enough for the moment. But now, in order to
re-tell the events, I had to open it all the way. Its gonna take another 2-3 days to close it once again.
Great.
Look, I'm just gonna shut up, end this here, before I end up opening drawers I had long forgotten about
For they still hurt, like fresh wounds, because they were never healed.